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dum Dum’s Guide To Exercise


Exercise. We all need it. But i will be the first to tell you; my idea of exercise includes how many bags of Cheetos I can carry to the couch. Yeah, my record’s 47. And I know there are many sizes, okay? But with all of those extra bags, that’s more work. *Grunting* And here’s the thing. If you want to eat those delicious little pearls of cheesy Greasy goodness Without turning into a pile of cheesy greasy goodness, you gotta work out. I hate it, you hate it Jonah Hills hates it but, you gotta do it. Now if it takes some dude who’s idea of crunches is how many bites it takes to finish a Crunch bar, Then consider me your beach body expert! With years of experience keeping my bod looking almost fat I can tell you with absolute certainty this will kinda work. This is The dum Dum’s Guide To Exercise. Rule number one: Set a low goal. I know everyone’s thinking oh, I’m gonna go to the gym once and look like Ryan Gosling in a speedo. Yeah, good luck with that I take things realistic. I wanna look like Mark Wahlberg if he started eating cookies and that great part is you don’t have to go to the gym to do that! People running two triathlons on a treadmill.. Eh, take some baby steps. Run around in traffic. Nothing makes you run faster then the threat of immanent death. And I know all the gyms are like “oh no come use our treadmill, we care about you!”! If you really cared, you wouldn’t give me a trainer. You would cover me in honey, drop me of in the woods and tell me to run. While that sounds ridiculous, it’s exactly how it feels when you set big goals so forget the gym! Just a little run every day. Start with, like, five feet, and as you get better go longer. When you’re ready buy some honey and go to the zoo. Rule number two: Cut Out The Sugar. And no cheatin’ either! I see you turning down a cookie so you can eat a donut. it don’t work like that! It’s ALL gotta go. Put it in a box and mail it to Willy Wonka cuz you don’t need it. I feel like these people go on these diets that last forever only because they never do it. “oh! It’s a cheat day!” what are you? Stupid? This isn’t a case where two wrongs make a right but you still do it because you love your treats! I’ll tell you now you’ll get over it all you gotta do is commit, eat some vegetables eat a lot of them. Eat so many vegetables that your butt opens a organic farm! Rule number three: Ride Your Bike Now I know this seems like an obvious one that’s cuz it is but I’m sick of all these of all these people saying “I’m doing high-intensity interval pilates cross-fit leg lifts” what? Do you even know what your talking about I’m pretty sure your making it up to make it sound like you were doing something exclusive since when is sweating exclusive? it’s disgusting! flailing around completely drenched! It looks like your trying out drowning that’s why you do simple stuff like ride your bike. At least then you can ride it somewhere important like work, school, or a lifeguard station plus you get to look ridiculous in those tight spandex shorts it’s the closest you’ll ever be to felling like a superhero and no one can make fun of you because your taking care of your body they do give an old sweaty stinky hug and that will teach them making fun of your cute tooshie which if it is like mine it’s a solid six from a scale from one to ten rule number four join a team or a club. You know, somethin’ play a sport it will be really fun and get you in super duper- guh! ok dont do that one! I think I’m telling all of you this because my friend had me join a gym it was an experience I didn’t enjoy using big words like REP’s I dunno what these words mean what I do know is that every time I go the gym it seems like everyone who works there is named Brett and they give them the benefit of the doubt

Joseph Wolf

100 Comments

  1. Can u do a dum dum's guide to being a master of lazyness please u are the best at being lazy

  2. I’m six I can’t go to the gym and I can’t drive ok???

    I want to die!!!! ha did I scare ya?

  3. Reps is called reps bc your muscles are ripping and building back up to be stronger

  4. who knows that 40% of his character is his head and other people he draw has a smaller head

  5. rule 1 ) Eat only real food (0 powders including sugar and
    flour)
    rule 2) Go to sauna 2 times a week for at least 15min
    rule 3) run 15-30min every day
    rule 4) DONT SMOKE OR USE DRUGS(ALCOHOL =SUGAR SO THATS RULE 1)
    rule 5) thats all you will be perfect body in 60days

  6. Wait so are we talking the full size bags of cheetos, single serve bags, somewhere in between? WHICH IS IT MAN!

  7. When he mentioned the Willy Wonka that reminded me of the show and I’m going to go practice my lines which I can’t believe I am Matilda pffffff there’s not even a lot of lines like there’s only like three Lines I also have to sing the candy man song

  8. I wish there was a "love" button hahaha "Like" is too little for your work. Awesome

  9. It's funny as hell because my training program sucks to be honest if I heard anyone complaining while training with me I will make him lift a boulder and do some laps around the front yard you know what my grandpa said he said hard work is good for you

  10. Who hates working out I love working out 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

  11. My dad is crazy, he was gonna bike from Florida to somewhere near Ottawa for charity, fortunately a lot of people saw it and he only raised 20 bucks, he didn’t go

  12. You need to sweat you say?
    Eat some bell peppers and you are good to go!

  13. ( it's Alex Clark) go ride your bike

    (Me) I don't know how to ride a bike😭😭😭😭

  14. Guide to exercise: ride your bike it’s healthy and you should ride it everywhere

    Guide to driving: bikers are the most evil people ever ride a car!

  15. My goal is to swim a lot. And hopefully not die from the flesh eating bacteria in the water here. 😀

  16. What I used to do to lose weight was power walk to the game store with my roommate (40-45 minutes at top walking speed), get a bottle of water to cool off and play a couple hands of Magic with him before walking back. Also had lunch meat and cheese sandwiches made with Sandwich thins instead of regular bread for two of my meals each day and stopped drinking soda.
    Lost 30 pounds and my diabetes went into remission.

  17. try intense musicals. i actually lost some weight dancing in newsies.

  18. Bruh I ate an entire baguette today but I already lost 40 pounds so I deserve it ok

  19. 00oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohahahahahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

  20. 1. 🧀🍗🥓🍔🍟🍕🌭🌮 No.
    2. 🏏🏓🏸🏀🎾⚽️⚾️ Yes.
    3. ☺️😀😃🙂☺️😀😃🙂☺️😀😃🙂

  21. My dad:it’s a cheat day

    Me: I thought it was a day last week and the week before that and the week before that week before that and

    My dad:uhh…….

  22. I actually like getting exercise. I don't know about the rest of you guys (and girls.)

  23. I have lost over 100lbs since I had a health scare and started taking care of myself. I was over 500lbs, and could barely walk. Alex is right, start small, it gets easier. Oddly, one of my favorite quotes about wight loss is from Kevin James:
    "I just have different fitness goals than other people. I just want to make it so that my belly doesn't jiggle when I brush my teeth." <–sage words.

  24. 1:59 I don't know how to ride a bike and I promised myself as a kid that I will never get on a bike ever again,so number 3 is skippable,I can do everything else

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